Greg Murat (mur-rah)
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Journal November 2016
November 29, 2016
And another month is blazing by with lightning and slow motion speed. It seems to be the paradox of this time. We or time moves infinitely slow and blindingly fast. What does it mean grasshopper? My son Josh sent a note saying no more karmic lessons, just self mastery. Very good words of wisdom whether time is moving either way. It will seem like a flash in the end but there is so much in between.I am, like many post combat veterans, struggling to be in the present and not the endless loop of memory flashes with no time stamp. Then is now in that zone. I continue to move toward the present and have been wiling to try various therapies. The pharmaceuticals are the toughest. I have finally found one that is helping me process and clear some cobwebs but the physical price has been extremely high. I purposely did not read the eight pages of side effects. I have hopes that this therapy will side line the hulk and help me disconnect with the survival brain, at least some of the time. The jury is still out. I am sure I am much easier to be around but physically I am shot. Sick, tired, headaches, cold sweats to the tune of four clothes changes a night and on and on the list goes. One more trip to the VA on Friday will hopefully help determine if these symptoms are medication related. I also tromped through jungles in Vietnam that were sprayed with Agent Orange and interestingly enough, like PTSD, they surface in later years when a body is already wearing out. LIFE!
November 15, 2016
As I write this I am on a flight from Burbank back to Seattle after 7 days visiting with my daughter Sarah Maria. Unfortunately I was sick the whole time. It did not stop us from having some adventures. We went to Laguna Breach and to San Clemente. We saw Dr. Strange at a beautiful theater in Silver Lake and we watched Big Trouble In Little China on Netflix. We know how to party!
We had great luck with restaurants and ate on the roof top of The Morocco in Laguna Beach where we enjoyed excellent pasta along with a Mediterranean Salad and a wonderful view of the beach and the sunset. We had delicious Thai food also in Laguna Beach. Roger, at Moon Light Music set up the action on Sarah Maria's guitar while she and I had dinner. In San Clemente I ate excellent blackened fish tacos for a late night meal and in the morning we both had vegetarian Eggs Benedict. They used fresh tomatoes instead of ham.
Sarah was suffering from a pinched nerve and I was able to introduce her to my dear friend Dr Richard Fox, who is an excellent Sports Medicine Chiropractor. Hopefully he will be able to help her in the future. It is difficult to be so far away. Family scatters these days and times. It is very important to take the time and travel in order to spend time with the ones you love. In our family there are many relationships that terminate over disagreements so it is best to visit in between splits if there is an opportunity. Sometimes I realize it seems impossible to be present. It is almost always true for people who live in the past with unforgiving hearts. Being present I believe is the secret of life yet it is quite difficult to do when caught up in the day to day. We have aches and pains, physical and emotional, we have concerns, financial, relationship and general survival, health concerns and illnesses and injuries. Sometimes all of these things make a great opportunity to stop thinking and just breath in and out and repeat with focus. This is a non request form of gratitude and prayer. Without this rhythmic repetition life quickly ends. I am sick with a cold that I know is a reaction to stress over life, the future of our country, nature, the planet. Hah, there never seems to be a lack of thoughts to stress over yet it does no good. We simply do not know our number of days. I wish we were like the men in About Time who could have do over's and go back and fix things in the past. We are dragged along by time time which of course they say isn't really real. It sure is a powerful illusion if that is true. It creates the image in the mirror of an old fellow looking back at a young hearted man. Yet in the arena of PTSD it seems a total illusion as when by a sound or situation a memory triggers and I am transported 40 years into the past and I standing holding an M-60 Machine Gun in the steaming jungle of the Central Highlands of Vietnam.
But now at this moment I am home and lying down with a heating pad and typing on my laptop feeling without energy to do anything other than lie here. At least I can attempt to type for a bit and capture the musing of my weary mind. The continuous cooing of the dove Lucy makes me want to scream. I have tried to adjust my perspective but the endless repetition of the same tones is like dripping water torture. That is perhaps a bit of an over dramatization or amplification of my reaction.
I covered her cage and said good night.
Home again. Home again. Doo dah! Doo dah!
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